Reality: Motherhood is hard. So hard.
It’s okay to admit it, and it’s even more okay to feel it. Whether you’re a new mom, or have 20+ years of experience, the pressure of being a good mom, and being everything to everyone exists. Not only are you expected to be an attentive parent, be involved in all of the extracurricular activities, plan and cook healthy meals, keep a tidy home, and for the working moms life myself - work a full time job, but you better look cute and fit and keep a smile on your face while doing it. Sounds insane, doesn't it? Yet for some reason, we (mamas) feel guilty when we can’t keep up.
You’re exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. - You think a good night’s sleep is all you need, but even after a solid 8 hours, you’re still drained. You feel like maybe if you could get your family on a consistent schedule or organize your house (and your life) things would get better, but it doesn’t - That, mama, is what we call mom burnout.
As a mom and a teacher the buzzword “burnout” has been used a considerable amount over the past few years. It had me wondering how the term burnout is actually defined. Google’s English Dictionary - provided by Oxford Languages defines burnout as:
Noun
The reduction of a fuel or substance to nothing through use or combustion.
The failure of an electrical device or component through overheating.
Now, I don’t know about you, but a few alarms (WTF moments) went off in my head when I read that. - “REDUCTION TO NOTHING?? FAILURE THROUGH OVERHEATING (OVERWORKING). Sounds awful, right?
It wasn’t enough for me to just know what people meant when they used the phrase “burnt out”... One of the biggest parts of my personality is the “fix it” trait, so my mind immediately went to – How can we prevent mom burnout from happening to us? How can we keep it from happening to others? And now here I am - spewing out all of the information I gathered to hopefully help other mamas.
Chances are, if you found yourself reading this article and you’ve made it this far you probably already suspect you are experiencing mom burnout. But in case you’re not sure, here are a few examples of what it might look like:
Exhaustion
Lack of motivation
Sleep issues
Irritability
Low productivity
Lack of or less enjoyment from your kids/family
Does this sound like you? Are you experiencing burnout as a mom? - If so, first let me say, it’s okay. You’re not a bad mom. You haven’t failed in your role. YOU CAN and WILL work through this. You will get back on track.
There are things you can (and should) do to heal, move forward, and prevent this in the future.
First off - KICK THE GUILT TO THE CURB.
You no longer have space for it in your mind or life. - It’s 100% normal for good mamas to want to do it all and feel guilty if they fall short. Guess what? - ALL of us mamas fall short and experience this guilt at some point. Yes, even all those influencer mamas who seemingly have all their shit together. Whenever that guilt starts to creep into your thoughts, shoot it back down with some positive affirmations, or a glass of wine. To each their own.
Learn to say, “NO”.
I completely understand your fear of letting someone down, or releasing control. I’ve been there. It isn’t going to happen overnight, but prioritizing your mental health (& physical health) and setting boundaries for yourself and your family is absolutely necessary. The PTA can unquestionably function without you at the 237 events they host each year. - Pick a couple of events to give your time and effort to and FORGET. the. rest.
Ask yourself - What tasks today/this week/ this month are MUST DOs and what can you let go of.
Obviously, there are things we do as mamas that we absolutely must do to keep our lives and family functioning, but that list is short. Aside from making sure your family is fed, sleeping, personal hygiene- for yourself and your children, keeping your home moderately clean, and fulfilling the basic responsibilities of your job if you’re employed outside the home, everything else can wait. In case that wasn’t clear enough - some things that do not fall on that list are: deep cleaning your home, cooking frequent extravagant meals (chances are your kids won’t eat them anyway), and volunteering your time and energy when your tank is empty.
Again, I know this isn’t easy... Just this past month I found myself in a situation where I had to let go of the expectations I had for myself. I hated it at the time, but life went on.
It was the evening before my kid’s 100th day of school, and I don’t know if the 100th day of school is a big deal where you’re from, but around here it’s celebrated like the freakin’ 4th of July. Ok- maybe not that big, but still a big deal. Anyways- I got home from teaching all day, worked my way through my typical evening mom duties and then it hit me - I didn’t plan a 100th day outfit for my kids. Every year since my oldest was in kindergarten we had gone all out for the 100th day. Shirts with 100 items, dressing like 100 year old people. We did it all. However, this year I forgot. I dropped the ball. I was 100% ready to stay up all night making them shirts, because I didn’t want them to miss out and I honestly thought if they didn’t dress up for the day they would miss out. Sound familiar? In the middle of the chaos going on in my mind, my husband said to my kids, “You’re not getting a shirt for the 100th day tomorrow. Your mom is too busy tonight and you’ll be fine without one.” I froze. I hoped for a second that I had only imagined it. I waited for the meltdowns, but to my surprise they never came. My kids were totally fine with it, and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The next day the kids went to school without dressing up, they had a great day, and I was rested from not staying up all night gluing 100 pom poms on a t-shirt.
In my case it took my husband’s intervention to make me prioritize my must dos versus all the extras, and I’ll admit I still take on more than I should, but I am learning to do less, and let me tell you, I'm beginning to love it.
Find a system for household duties that works for you and your family.
If you are able to reduce the amount of time and stress revolving around your household chores, you are more likely to overcome burnout or prevent it in the first place. Every family and living situation is so different, but there are some common things that can help in a lot of situations.
Ask for help. From your spouse, your older children, anyone in your household capable of pitching in. - Even if this only takes one or two chores off your list, it will be worth it in the long run.
Stock up on quick, easy meals. - Again, this is going to look different from home to home. Some may look at this suggestion and think of frozen pizzas. Some others may think of prepping freezer meals. And if budget allows, some may even think of takeout. - One thing I recently let go of was the time and stress of making my kids breakfast on school days. Now my kids happily eat their muffins or oatmeal cups in the car on the way to school. I no longer have to worry about them getting out of bed in time to eat and I save myself the messy kitchen I would have to clean up if I woke up and made them breakfast every morning.
Keep up with laundry by doing ONE load a day. - Unless you’re doing laundry for a small army, you should be able to stay on top of this chore by running one load a day. In my house, I start a load in the mornings as I am walking out the door. It does its thing and when I get home in the evenings I pop it in the dryer. Does it always get folded after it dries? Nope. Most days it goes to the couch and my family pulls from it throughout the week until I finally fold it all over the weekend. Balance, my friend.
Stay on top of cleaning by completing small tasks throughout the week. You can find a plan that works for your family and schedule. A quick Google search will turn up 5,000 cleaning plans. Pick one and try it. The hardest part of this is consistency. It won’t be achieved overnight, and occasionally you will get off plan, but the purpose is to keep you from feeling overwhelmed by trying to tackle it all at once.
Schedule some time for YOURSELF and do something you ENJOY
I know some people will tell you, “do something for yourself everyday”. While that sounds lovely, I’m a realist and I know damn well mamas can not/ will not do something for themselves everyday. So, start with once or twice a week and work your way up from there.
Go for a walk or run - alone.
Read a book - if you need recommendations for trashy romance novels, I’m your girl.
Pray - spend time in the word of God.
Take a hot bath
Watch your favorite TV show
Personally, the only time I have for this is after the kids are in bed. It’s worth my sanity to stay up a little longer to have some “me” time.
While experiencing mom burnout is completely awful, also remember that it is very common. It happens to all of us at some point. Maybe even more than once. Don’t be ashamed and don’t feel conflicted about asking for help or putting your needs out in the open. You can not be the best mother, or friend, or partner, or person in general when you are running on empty. Taking care of yourself is the best way to be there for others.
Please remember, I am not an expert - just a fellow mama. If your mental health isn’t improving with lifestyle changes, please, please, please, reach out to a mental health professional.
You’ve got this, mama! I see you, I believe in you, and you are doing an AMAZING job!
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